im not sure what to write about tonight. except for maybe im loosing my kids and my mind all at the same time.  i dont have a leg to stand on, not a financial one, not an emotional one.  not a spiritual one. i just want the kids to be happy and sometimes i still dont understand why they cant be happy with me.  i feel like im running out of energy, today was just another reminder of how badly im loosing my fight.  how humiliating to sit there and be scrutinized by so many people. to sit there and suffer through.  to have so many fingers pointed your way.  i feel as if im melting and there will be nothing left of my but a mushy puddle of waste. 

i want to be grateful, i want to feel normal, i want to feel alive and be seen as one of the living.  im scared and fed up, lost and alone drowning in bills i just cant pay in more ways than one.  I wish i had more positive things to write about, even more profound things but i dont.  im just a girl whom my sister has already mentioned somehow got interrupted.  funny how my sister and i worlds apart would relate and reach out to the same movie.  i wonder how shes doing, how she made it so far, if and when shes going back.  what must it be like to still have nowhere to call home.  i am grateful that i have a place to live, however fleeting that might also be.  I dont have to worry where im going to do all my sleeping.  I may not have groceries but i have somewhere to cook.  somewhere where the floors are dirty but it is my dirt.  i am so desperately searching for reasons to be grateful, reasons to keep on going.  i am trying to cling to my spiritual side, the side of me that knows that this isnt all for nothing.  that each painful tear is meant for a reason even if i dot know what the reason is.  all i know is that this must be meant for something or why else would the pain drag on for so long.,  my nails are to long to type on these little keys.  funny that there is a reason not to do anything.  even my eldest son wonders why i dont write anymore, "but you used to do it all the time mom," yes son, i did, i sed to do alot of things all the time.  and now?  now i check my email and nothing, watch tv and read.  and sleep, beautiful, treasured sleep.  all the time, as much as i can, for as long as i can. 

Happy Mothers Day

Today of all days I want to sit and be thankful that I am a mother.  I think I did the best that I could today.  I always want to do better, be better, and even when there have been several times i have had to contribute and figure out my worth to this world I have turned my back.  I can not help, I have thrown up my hands, there is nothing i can do for anyone.  i dont even pretend to try anymore.  I just want to be grateful today, grateful to be alive, grateful to have been with them and not have had to travel across the country to do it.  I bless us all, us sisters on our travels, and fear for us.  Who knows what these new roads have in store.  I am deeply afraid as always that I make poor choices.  choices that eat away and ebb at my very soul.  eat at my very core, my very being. 

so much to say. too little time

well hello again my fellow blogians;

(whatever that word I just made up means lol)

I have so much to say... but noever enough time to write a good post about my experience in the mental health hospital and now this one in a women's shelter...
I mean wow. talk about living with the choices we make.
is this shit ever difficult.
but I am holding my head above water ... just barely.... I promise I will talk about what sent me to the mental health place.... but just not now.. I am so busy these days... trying to find a home and all... I guess this blog is taking a back seat until I am more settled...
May 15th I leave for the Yukon to go see my baby girl graduate highschool. and I won't be back in gatineau until like July I think. whew. I should be able to write stuff on my bus trip and post it when I get a chance.
The adventures of a Pinhead are never easy.... they are always and I mean ALWAYS complicated.
anyways... I am off again to try to sort out more things to get myself out of this hole.
I wonder sometimes if I am digging in mud... because I seem to slip.

old and random

hmmm so I was told that my Initials TP add up to 36.... t being 20th letter in the alphabet and P being 16 ..... soooooooooooooo does that mean 36 has always been my "lucky Number" ... or is it coincidental that I turn 36 this year and got told that.... but perhaps I shouldn't take too seriously the ramblings of an old man in a home.... or perhaps maybe we should pay more attention to what the "old people" have to say... in a home or not. Too often I think we the younger generations take for granted the wisdom of age and experience... and too often laugh off the old and infirmed. .... just my random thought process at the moment. lol

Talk about a moment from "Girl Interrupted"

The title only makes sense if you've seen the movie I suppose, but .... if you haven't seen it... watch it.

My God it feels like it's been forever. I just spent a Month and 1 week at a Mental Health Hospital.
My sister calls it a Psych ward. I don't care for that term..... mostly because This was a hospital that dealth only and specifically in mental health, not a hospital with a ward for psych patients.

I feel better now that the puking etcetera, has stopped, and feel better now that I have a diagnosis. A proper diagnosis. They are as follows: Bi-Polar, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, And Panic and Anxiety Disorder with Agoraphobia. I am on the proper meds, and am on a better routine, of eating and exerceise.

HOORAY!

now thats the good news.

ha...... Pinheads always have both sides of the coin... the good and the bad.... the head and... well the ass ... essentially.

ok so bad news..... my boyfriend and I broke up, perhaps we needed the space. I know I did, and well..we have work to do. We'll see what happens. Stay Tuned.

I started to try to journal my dreams... I can't yet..... I will share my entries a little later when I have more time, and after this one.

I even scetched some of the pictures.... scary. And wait till I upload the art I drew inside there.

CRAYOLA MARKERS I LOVE YOU!!!!!! http://www.crayola.com/

So yeah.... I was released from Pierre Janét (the Mental Heal Hospital), and am currently in a women,s shelter.

I leave to go to the Yukon to see my kids finally and watch my daughter graduate Hisghschool, on May the 15th.... Greyhound Bus... uhmm yay!?!   lol

as you can probablly tell .... my mood is a lot different.

I am not "cured" .... I have a long road ahead. but at least I feel better.

At least I am not fantasizing about my death anymore.

At least I,m not wallowing in piss and shit. ( that was meant to be sort of funny .. but wound being gross and weird lol)

anyways. I have so much more to write to you.... my computer friend, but now I am tired.

We'll talk again another day.

cheers

Tamara

jealousies

I cant believe it but i am actually jealous of my sister for being in the psych ward.  I want to be there.  I want to be taken care of, i want a nurse to talk to,  i dont want to be here - all alone pacing my little kitchen just barely keeping myself from screaming.  the only thing that keeps me going is my visits with addy, or really - i would have lost it months ago.  but still, i feel like i am on the edge, ready to go down without a fight.  i dont know what to do with myself. i just dont know.  i dont think that i am suicidal, being dead doesnt solve my problems, only makes me dead.  i just dont want to call what im doing being alive neither.  it makes no sense.  even here, what am i trying to prove here?  i am just so sad, and have noone to tell that to, which really, makes me even sadder.  i have no friends in town, the phone never rings, the door is never for me.  except one time this drunk guy got a piece of my mind at 1230, it was ridiculous, i aint that desperate.  not yet anyways.