jealousies

I cant believe it but i am actually jealous of my sister for being in the psych ward.  I want to be there.  I want to be taken care of, i want a nurse to talk to,  i dont want to be here - all alone pacing my little kitchen just barely keeping myself from screaming.  the only thing that keeps me going is my visits with addy, or really - i would have lost it months ago.  but still, i feel like i am on the edge, ready to go down without a fight.  i dont know what to do with myself. i just dont know.  i dont think that i am suicidal, being dead doesnt solve my problems, only makes me dead.  i just dont want to call what im doing being alive neither.  it makes no sense.  even here, what am i trying to prove here?  i am just so sad, and have noone to tell that to, which really, makes me even sadder.  i have no friends in town, the phone never rings, the door is never for me.  except one time this drunk guy got a piece of my mind at 1230, it was ridiculous, i aint that desperate.  not yet anyways.