Wish in one hand, crap in the other, and See which one fills up faster.

Dear pretend audience,
(that I secretly wish will become a real audience one day)

I hate this negativity cloud (or depression cloud?) that seems to perpetually hang over my head.

No.... It's not even that really. I think that I have learned that this cloud or whatever it is, goes deeper than depression, and deeper than it just being a matter of "thinking positively" rather than thinking or feeling negatively.

I was sexually abused as a child. By a trusted member(s) of the community I grew up in. I have recently been informed that several other people I grew up with were also abused by the same person(s).

Is it possible that by writing this blog slash online diary slash blah blah blah, that I might be able to dig deep into these abstract and terrifying memories and perhaps , just perhaps be able to see beyond the grey cloud to the clear sky just behind it.

As I am writing this to you, whoever you are, even if you are purely a creation of my very handy imagination, I somehow feel as if I can talk about this safely here.

I feel the small child inside me silently shedding tears of gratitude for giving her a voice, and perhaps even some ears to hear her story, and that of her siblings Trapper and Joy.

Therapists I have had, have said that I should write a book. Perhaps they were humoring me, or patronizing me, I don't particularly care. I think that they were correct.

I also think that this is going to be therapeutic for me.... perhaps even my siblings.

Whoever is reading this. Thank You for listening.

or is it reading? ...... you catch my drift I'm sure.

I know I just keep kind of dropping little bombs here and there, without really discussing or going into details.

I wish that I could just tell my story.

I wish that I could have a clear focus on how to begin... how to end...

but you know what they say....

Wish in one hand.... crap in the other... and see which one fills up faster.

ha!