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Just another Pinhead

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Wish in one hand, crap in the other, and See which one fills up faster.

Dear pretend audience,
(that I secretly wish will become a real audience one day)

I hate this negativity cloud (or depression cloud?) that seems to perpetually hang over my head.

No.... It's not even that really. I think that I have learned that this cloud or whatever it is, goes deeper than depression, and deeper than it just being a matter of "thinking positively" rather than thinking or feeling negatively.

I was sexually abused as a child. By a trusted member(s) of the community I grew up in. I have recently been informed that several other people I grew up with were also abused by the same person(s).

Is it possible that by writing this blog slash online diary slash blah blah blah, that I might be able to dig deep into these abstract and terrifying memories and perhaps , just perhaps be able to see beyond the grey cloud to the clear sky just behind it.

As I am writing this to you, whoever you are, even if you are purely a creation of my very handy imagination, I somehow feel as if I can talk about this safely here.

I feel the small child inside me silently shedding tears of gratitude for giving her a voice, and perhaps even some ears to hear her story, and that of her siblings Trapper and Joy.

Therapists I have had, have said that I should write a book. Perhaps they were humoring me, or patronizing me, I don't particularly care. I think that they were correct.

I also think that this is going to be therapeutic for me.... perhaps even my siblings.

Whoever is reading this. Thank You for listening.

or is it reading? ...... you catch my drift I'm sure.

I know I just keep kind of dropping little bombs here and there, without really discussing or going into details.

I wish that I could just tell my story.

I wish that I could have a clear focus on how to begin... how to end...

but you know what they say....

Wish in one hand.... crap in the other... and see which one fills up faster.

ha!

The Road to Hell......

You know the saying. We've all heard it. And isn't it true? !

I was SOOOO NOT planning on there being a giant hole in my ceiling for this long.

But that should be ok right? Like, maybe I need to learn to roll with the punches some more.

Yeah! Like I haven't had enough of those. I've seriously had enough of the punches. I've rolled with them... physically, emotionally.... anyways

Let's take this day by day.

Last night before I went to bed, I did a wonderful deep breathing exercise, with some meditation music. I want to say that I'm going to do this every day, and build on my non existent routine. BUUUUUUUT ....... I may actually be learning. I'm not going to say that because then something stupid will happen, like .... oh.... my shower will fall through the hole, and the job will take even longer.

don't get me started on the fact that there was mold found, and I'm being "assured" that it has all been removed.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph!!!!!!

I'm going back to my hot water bottle. I can barely sit up, typing kills me.

and go figure that I think that writing a blog is going to help.. hahhahahahaha

See! Pinhead! Classic Pinhead. LOL

yeah. so ciao for now.

Lifestyles of the Poor and Anonymous

Well, I'm back. I've taken some meds, played some games online (  http://www.wildtangent.com/ ), done some deep breathing exercises, and decided I wanted to come back here and bitch some more. 

I realized I wrote like I actually have an audience or something. Is that healthy? 

Honestly I think I am so used to talking to myself at this point that it isn't a stretch of the imagination for me to be writing letters to myself now also. hahahahaha... ha . Fuck normal. 

I do know one thing. I am NOT going back on the Seroquel .. no way.. no how. 

I'll smoke grass thanks. 

ok...so yeah.

I guess I should tell you that at roughly 33 - 34 years of age, I pretty much bit the dust. I ground my gears to a halt. 

I have talked about the meds .... sort of .... and the chronic pain .. ish ..

I've written 3 posts on this blog so far and everything has been pretty meaningless information. 

And...... considering I wrote them... I couldn't tell you the first thing I wrote. Sad.

Anyways. 

There is a perfectly reasonable explanation. 

There always is. 

I, along with my siblings. Are .... Survivors. 

So because of the sensitive nature of these sorts of topics. "Survivor" Topics. I've been dancing around discussing it here.

Also, I'm not sure how much my siblings are willing to air out here. I feel very strongly about not disclosing another persons story. And I am working out how I can process my own without dragging them too far somewhere they might not be ready to go yet.

Oh Gosh, there really is so much to say. I've never known where to start. This is no exception.

I am trying really hard to just keep going through train of thought, and resist the urge to go back and edit and edit and edit and edit. and obsess, and obsess. 

Anyways. I have this need to let my story out.

I feel so strongly that I need to purge it all from my system. 

I am literally being poisoned by my past. 

Look.. maybe I am fit for the psych ward. 

I don't care. I have to try. 

I need to scream into cyber space my guilt, my shame, my anger, my hurt, my sins and all of my pain.

I have allowed the criminals who abused me, to control my life.

I take back my life. Do you hear me?!! 

It's MINE and YOU robbed me!!

Like .... I wish people could really understand what having only one life means.

what it really means.

I'm never going to get back my childhood. 

and it's not really about having my childhood per se, back.  

I just mourn the innocent trust ... that purity. 

Now, I have to sign off again. 

Ciao

So as you can see, it takes a long time to get to know a Pinhead. (The Pain Song)

Dear Blogbook,

Today is a shite day. I can barely move when I get up in the mornings. All of the "good intentions" I had started out this New Year with are already hitting major pot holes.
So basically this whole "experiment" is definitely a "work in progress".
I will do my best to write something every day or other day.
I'm just going to report my ups and downs and anything that is important to me that day/week whatever.
Oh... There is still a giant hole in my ceiling and it rains when we take a shower. *made of awesome*
I am just praying that this upheaval at the beginning of the year, means that finally after living in the same apartment for almost 3 years, we may actually get moved in.

My bed is finally upstairs, so I'll be able to actually use my main floor the way it is supposed to be used. As a kitchen slash living room. Instead of the way it has been used for the past year, as a kitchen slash bed room.

Yeah. I am full of bitching and moaning today.

Sorry readers. But better you (the random people of cyber space), than my poor PawBear.

I'm signing off for now, because I have to take more pain meds.

I am sooooooo fucking sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I feel like I am 6 yrs old again, sitting by the window on what was supposed to be a sunny summers day, instead of running around outside playing with my friends.

And I am singing the rain song in my head.

Except this time ... it's the pain song.

Pain. Pain.
Go Away.
I want to live my life some day.

Meet the Pinheads 2 or what the hell am I talking about.

HAHA! So in true Pinhead form, I haven't properly introduced Pinheads 1 and 3! And to be honest, it probably won't get done in this blog either. LMAO!

I also didn't blog yesterday.

I have a perfectly reasonable explanation I swear!

No, it's not an excuse.

 *gives you a disappointed glare and then proceeds to pout*

Well ................... I have a giant hole in my ceiling!

*Sighs*

Yeah it's awesome! We've had problems with our shower for ages.

So much so that I have felt that a big part of the health problems I have had over the past 2 years are partially due to the fact that there is mold between the floors of my apartment. (Whether this is the case or not, is yet to be determined, I guess we'll find out)

Long story short, my landlord's husband and her son, (AKA "Whatshisname" and "Fucktard" respectively), came over to "check what they'd have to do to fix leak" the day before yesterday, and as he poked his screwdriver in through the small hole where water poured down from, a big chunk of drywall, fell on the floor.

Whatshisname then looks at me and says "I guess we're coming back tomorrow." (YOU GUESS?)

No big deal you think?

I am already in flight or Fight mode BEFORE they've even come in, for me, it is a big deal, HUGE.

And I have a hard enough time being outside my house with people. I don't like them coming in my house.

My home is my safe zone. Or at least it is supposed to be.

Regardless if my brain should know logically that it's better to let Whatshisname and Fucktard in to fix the leaky roof, my nerves scream "GET THE FUCK OUT!!!!"

My spouse (PawBear), was pulling his 24 hr work week-end, where he does 12 hrs on Sat. and 12 hrs on Sun.. So he is already edgy at work, leaving me on my own for so long. He knows by now that any disruptions to my routine sends me into wild panic attacks.

I say wild panic attacks, because I do some pretty fukked up shit, when I have gone over that edge. Including getting what I like call "SuperWoman" Complex, where I believe I have no choice but to do something on my own, I surge with adrenaline and can "bulldoze" objects or people 2, 3 or even 4 times my size. Resulting in injury of my own person, or perhaps if someone else is there, the possibility of hurting someone else in my panic is highly probable even if it is not my intention.

So anyway,

Fukktard tells me Saturday afternoon, that I have to move my Queen sized bed upstairs (which is full of boxes), and rearrange my whole house practically by 9 am the next morning otherwise we'd have to have the hole in the roof until the following week-end.

I am all by myself, so in my mind I am already speeding full tilt for the edge. I have no idea how I am going to do this alone.

Oh yeah. I don't know anyone where I live. So Regis  can't offer me the option of "phoning a friend".

My lifeline is at work until 9pm. WHAT am I going TO DO?

So, PawBear left work early so that he could come home and surprise me, and hopefully prevent me from doing something stupid, like trying to move everything on my own, and hurting myself.

Thank God he did. I was literally minutes away from "Just Do'ing It!"

As it stood, even with both of us there, we couldn't get the bed upstairs.

But PawBear stayed up the whole night, while I slept, and rearranged everything as best he could so that they could come and fix our shower at 9am Sunday morning.

Well..... like I said at the start of this post.

I have a GIANT hole in my ceiling!

Today's weather.

Stormy , with a high probability of showers .... Right in the Middle of MY Livingroom!

Meet the Pinheads

Pinhead #1  ~  Joy Dawn ~ Daughter, born 1974
Pinhead #2  ~  Nubbins Dawn ~ Daughter, born 1976
Pinhead # 3 ~ Trapper Dawn ~ Son, born 1981

Hi! I'm Nubbins, also known as Pinhead #2. I'm starting this New Year by taking a deep breath and jumping head first into a blog!

I don't really know what I am doing, or what I hope to achieve. Actually.... maybe that's not exactly accurate.

I've spent the last two years so physically ill that I have felt like I was dying. This Christmas was no exception.

It began on Boxing day, perhaps even before that, as I was unable to cook Christmas dinner for my spouse and I on Christmas day. I felt well enough to cook our dinner on Boxing day, but the following day I was ill, like that kid from the horror movie. It felt as though my head was spinning around, and I was puking some strange green substance.

It is really embarrassing to admit this, but I was spewing from the back end as well, and I didn't make it to the bowl either. How awesome is it to be running up the stairs holding onto your ass for dear life, crying, and yelling behind you to your spouse "Help please, I'm not going to make it!..... Oh Shit oh Shit oh Shit ohshiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit! Huuuuuunnnnnyyyy!!! *BAWL* There's pooh puddles on the floor! "

Let me tell you...... You know a man loves you.... when he cleans up your pooh puddles and doesn't make you feel like a disgusting dirty pig.

Yeah... so... anyways.....

By the time I went to the emerg. (more than 48hrs later) ..... sitting there with an IV in arm, and needing to get gravol injections..... I'd had it! I mean really had it.

I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

So.... I decided that I was going to start my own "get with the program" program.

In as much as an Agoraphobic, PTSD, disassosciative disordered person, can.

I've been making my bed as soon as my spouse leaves for work, then I tidy my kitchen, and then I try to go on my stationary bicycle for at least 5 minutes ( small amounts of time every day (or close to), to make the routine of doing it become habit), then paint, stretches, play computer games/watch tv online..... and now I have added .....

write in my blog.

soooooooo......

tada!


As for Pinhead #1 and Pinhead #3 .... I can't say if they will contribute or not.... all I can say is... that I hope they will.

Stay Tuned for more posts!