i want to be grateful, i want to feel normal, i want to feel alive and be seen as one of the living.  im scared and fed up, lost and alone drowning in bills i just cant pay in more ways than one.  I wish i had more positive things to write about, even more profound things but i dont.  im just a girl whom my sister has already mentioned somehow got interrupted.  funny how my sister and i worlds apart would relate and reach out to the same movie.  i wonder how shes doing, how she made it so far, if and when shes going back.  what must it be like to still have nowhere to call home.  i am grateful that i have a place to live, however fleeting that might also be.  I dont have to worry where im going to do all my sleeping.  I may not have groceries but i have somewhere to cook.  somewhere where the floors are dirty but it is my dirt.  i am so desperately searching for reasons to be grateful, reasons to keep on going.  i am trying to cling to my spiritual side, the side of me that knows that this isnt all for nothing.  that each painful tear is meant for a reason even if i dot know what the reason is.  all i know is that this must be meant for something or why else would the pain drag on for so long.,  my nails are to long to type on these little keys.  funny that there is a reason not to do anything.  even my eldest son wonders why i dont write anymore, "but you used to do it all the time mom," yes son, i did, i sed to do alot of things all the time.  and now?  now i check my email and nothing, watch tv and read.  and sleep, beautiful, treasured sleep.  all the time, as much as i can, for as long as i can. 

Happy Mothers Day

Today of all days I want to sit and be thankful that I am a mother.  I think I did the best that I could today.  I always want to do better, be better, and even when there have been several times i have had to contribute and figure out my worth to this world I have turned my back.  I can not help, I have thrown up my hands, there is nothing i can do for anyone.  i dont even pretend to try anymore.  I just want to be grateful today, grateful to be alive, grateful to have been with them and not have had to travel across the country to do it.  I bless us all, us sisters on our travels, and fear for us.  Who knows what these new roads have in store.  I am deeply afraid as always that I make poor choices.  choices that eat away and ebb at my very soul.  eat at my very core, my very being.