Maybe I Want to Nod Off

Sometimes, at the beginning of starting methadone, or when they up your dose you get pretty tired.  Thats why I went up.  I wasnt really "nodding off" anymore and there are already so many hours in the day to fill.  I dont want to be alert and full of pain, I cant handle it anymore.  I just dont think I will ever be over this.  It looks to me as if there is alot riding on my apppointments with my counsellor.  And that more than a little scares and confuses me.  It is much better than ever trying to hope that CAS or my parents are ever going to figure it out. I still cant believe that this is all happening.  Why was this allowed to happen? There has just got to be nmore to it than to than just the kids dad's incompetence.  I have proved a thousand times over that I am competent to raise tthe kids.  I am so sad today. So sick of this.  So lost.  maybe i should just sleep

i cant stay asleep because all i have are nightmares all night long about what alooser i am for not having my kids, not deserving of overnight visits with mt own kids and i dont even think they want to be with me anymnore,  and i hate nmy mother and my father and anyone else who stands inmy way of me being me,

Staying Asleep part 2

It looks as if I am still having trouble staying asleep.  Maybe i'm just sleeping too much, maybe all i want to do is sleep.  maybe i just dont want to be awake.  I'm not sure what i want but I know its not really to go to bed alone before 9 every night.  I had a nap tonight and i could still go back to bed, its ridiculous but good in a way.  Think of all the pain i'm saving myself. 

The Day After Valentines

I am not sad that it was Valentines Day and that I didnt have anyone to share it with.  I am just sad.  And I dont have anyone to share anything with.  I am anxiously sitting here with my phone beside me for comfort and Seinfeld dvds playing in the background for noise.  I am anxiously waiting for the phone to ring to see if I am going on my first date in about fifteen years or not.  I am desperate for company.  Just desperate all around i think.  I am desperately angry with my ex.  Out of nowhere he is suddenly going for joint custody and i feel like such a fool, i didnt even see it coming.  I should have known, i shouldnt be at all surprised but here i am with my mouth hanging open regardless.  I cant believe the nerve of it really, like why now?  Why anything at anytime I guess.  I guess I am learning just how gullible i am, I still actually believe that there is good in people.  I actually believe that people will do the right thing just because its right.  Someone is going to help me tomorrow and I still dont believe that I will actually get the help until I see it for my very own eyes.  It will come from a very relieble source, yet still, what if he prays about it tonight, what if he sees my evil under belly and decides its not such a great idea to trust me after all.  money truly is the root of all evil sometimes.  But I need it, I have nothing and I can not in good conscience refuse any sort of assistance from anyone right now.  I even had to accept a bus card from my CAS worker who in the same breth tells me i am unfit to nparent my children ande that I should have been prepared for empty nest syndrome when my eldest is just barely twelve.  That is unconceviable to me, how can anyone say anything so god damn fucking stupid and insensitive?  Are you kidding me?  Why should I have been prepared to have no children?  Why should anyone be prepared to have their whole lives taken away from them?  How can i be expected to adjust?  Why would I want to adjust?  I dont want to know what it feels like to be happy without my children.  I want my children.  I want my family returned.  I dont know what to do with the money i will get tomorrow.  I am supposed to pay off my phone bill but it is not enough money, i could pay off parts of it but then i'd still be broke and still wouldnt have a phone.  I could just put a bunch of money on my cell phone, that might work.  and then i could put a little on the bill and keep some for now.  maybe i could buy a new phone?   one that came with a better plan?  that might work.  oh, i could just leave town and fuck off for a little while which is what i really want to do, am so friggin desperate to do.  and then i could book classes, i really want to be good at my job, but how am i going to do this?  i am afraid of the phone most of the time.  I am afraid of most things most of the time lately.  And this new shrink labelled me sane, great, great timing.  Just when I think that i am going to loose it the most they want to say that i am friggin sane?  and of course, that i am depressed have every reason to be depressed and that i have to just work through it.  i font understand that part.  How long am i supposed to just go through it?  when will i know if i am done going through this or not?  how can anyone else be expected to judge whether or not its over?  Does anyone think that freakin chantal is qualified to figure out whether or not i'm "better"?  What does "better" look like?  I think that I am beginning to hate this woman.  I think that I am starting to have a little hate on for alot of people.  It is not a good feeling.  And I dont know how long it will last or what it will do to me.  I could have already gone out and seen a guy who already has a girlfriend.  I want someone i can call my own and be wiith outright.  its over now between the ex and i for sure.  Theres no going back now if there ever was.  I wonder if this guy will call or not.  I will try to have something to eat and kill more time.  I can see it now.  I'll get fed up and go to bed and that will be when he calls.

small minds, small miracles

surely my brain must be too small for my head since i swear i can hear it knocking around like a loose walnut in a broken shell. I want to crack my head wide open sometimes and just let whomever feed off the flesh. how dramatic is that? and now instead of being a balloon, i am a walnut. I am just so unsure of what to do with myself i want to scream. why does everything i want and need take so much friggin time. I just want enough money to buy some decent groceries, maybe take my kids somewhere. I want to go to decorators school and get really good at what i do for once in my life. I want to succeed and brush off this label of looser i was branded with at birth. Isnt it strange to know that your mother never liked you? isnt it strange to know that youd be better off running outside searching for a stranger to hug you then it would be to depend on those youve called family since you could speak to do it. How sad that my arms seems so weak and tiny. I feel so frail and small, so insignificant. I wish that I could stop wishing for good things to happen and that they would just happen already. i wish I wasnt so filled with fear and loathing. I wish I was close to someone again, i need to share my life, i need to share who i am.

Toilet Humour

Dear Whoever is out there,

It's been awhile hasn't it? .... In fact it has been so long that I had to go back and re-read my previous posts.

I'm glad that was the case, because I was so pleasantly surprised to see that my sister started posting too.

So .... Let's see... where to begin... again.. (and probably a few more times in the future).

I was sick again, I believe it was only a day or two after my last post. I will spare you the gory details of my wondrous trip to what I am now referring to as Satan's Bowl, for surely only something evil could make me as ill as I get ..... This time, at least, I went to the hospital straight away. Fuck sitting at home for 3 days wondering when it's going to end........ and then going to the hospital, leaving behind a bathroom that looks and smells like someone died in it. And while this certainly conjures all kinds of humorous imagery, if you are a fan of  "Toilet" humour. For me, the scenario is loosing the humour I have always been able to find in my own misery.

At Emerg., this time, I was put into observation, after the triage nurses were having a hard time getting my blood pressure because I kept fainting, and for some reason it was so ultra difficult to get an iv into vein at the bend in the bicep/forearm, so I was lined in on the top of my hand (painful). I've been IV'd many times, so don't get me wrong here. I am not mentioning the position of the IV to whine about that per se, I mention it because it is the first time that I have had the nurse who drew the IV, "MILK" the vein, because nothing was flowing into the specimen vials that she was collecting for the lab. Is it just me or is that not weird? The thing is, I was so delirious I was having a hard time speaking, I tried telling the nurse that I was delirious and instead I said delusional.... How's that for awesome? that's a pretty big difference in meaning, and to top it off, it's not like I was talking to a gas attendant, I just told a nurse I was delusional.

Since I am on narcotic pain meds, and I am poor, and no one important or special, I get treated as though I am drug abuser. Not by the Doctors, by the nurses. And everyone knows, that when you go to an emergency room, it is the nurses that you are dealing with for however many hours you are waiting, before you get to see a Doctor.

Anyways... now I've gone on about that for so long, I've pretty much used up my time. I can only type for so long before the pain is too much I have to stop.

SO... Let's move on for now.

I still have the hole in my ceiling. My Landlord is not in any hurry to fix this place.

And I feel like I'm climbing an uphill battle... and the hill I got... when the hills were assigned, is made of mud. For every step I take, every move.... I have to climb, scrape, scratch and claw my way through ever shifting, ever sliding, ever moving ... mud.

It's appropriate I suppose... that this post begins in the bathroom and ends with mud.

It's all about the brown.

I guess I haven't totally lost my ability to see humour in my own misery.

Staying Asleep

It looks as if I have no troubles falling asleep, but it is the staying asleep part I have so much trouble with. i'm up every hour just to remind myself how painful it is to wake up. the children were here today. I never did get any extra time with my daughter. I dont know how I make it sometimes, the pain is unreal. my whole life feels unreal. What will tommorrow bring? maybe i'll do another nnecklace, go through yet another box of crap. Clean up todays mess and do todays dishes. I am supposed to teach a class this week and all I want to do is hide under the covers and stay there. and stay there permenantly. I smoke way too much for someone who is as broke as i am. I hate money. more, I hate the lack of money and people who dont understand what its like to not even have enough to buy themselves a coffee or a pack of gum. sometimes its a choice. do i want that coffee or do i want to eat this week. you dont know broke until youve kissed the poverty line goodbye. and i have kissed that line goodbye long ago. I survive on barely nothing, which is fitting really. why would my life be any eassier right now. why wouldnt it be the most difficult year i have ever been through. why would god give me a break? all i want to do is get my kids crap out of pawn so he doesnt hate me, maybe have a decent meal, maybe fix the phone so i dont feel so friggin isolated all the time. maybe take a vacation with my kids for march break- maybe just burn rubber right the hell out of here and never look back. Whats so important that it cant be replaced? this little gadget fits in my purse. i'd want my cake pans, and i want more sleep

Ugg...

"yes, yes it is beautiful outside." I know I should be grateful, I am grateful, but I am pissed as well. Why me? Why does this shit always happen to me? What did I do so wrong to be branded such a loser that I cant even be with my own children on a beaustiful saturday afternoon? And I look over at the clock - 12 noon, a little too early to call it a day and go to bed like I did last night on a friday - whoo hooo, look at me whoop it up and go to bed at 7:30p.m. Yeah, look at me go. It's pathetic how starved I am for a little attention, a little companionship, a little conversation. What I wouldnt do for a hand to hold and a shoulder to lean against when the weather is so windy. I feel like a balloon everybody let go of and i'm just floating around aimlessly, higher and higher. Soon i'll just be a tiny dot up in the sky and noone will ever be able to reach the string. Maybe oneday i'll get caught in a tree, maybe some kid will climb up and pull me down. Walk around with me. Ugg, so now i'm a balloon, great. I think I just want to be anything but me. Anything but a lonely little woman sitting here with her tiny 10 inch laptop, huddled at her kitchen table full of beads instead of kids colouring books.
My counsellor tells me to act as if - "as if" I had a life. On one hand I look not too bad, I am a jeweller, I make beautiful necklaces that nobodys bought yet but I may have a buyer. I am keeping my fingers crossed, either way, I like making them. And whatever doesnt sell I am going to donate to the Spring Tea at my co-ops community centre. Yes, on one hand I look not too shabby, too bad I didnt have friends, too bad I didnt have family. My bestest friend lives a plane or bus ride away and my one and only bestest sister is a plane or bus ride away. I have family the lives in the city here with me but you would never know it, and I have never known anything so freakin sad. I'm not sure what I did to piss everybody off so bad. I am just a huge disappointment to all that claim they knew me. I am told that I have to create my own family. Which means I have to move. But I cant go anywhere without my children, and thats why I am so stuck. So frozen with fear that this is it for me and I am only 37 years old. I am grateful for my home but it has turned into nothing more than prison walls for me. I am gratefujl that I have a warm place to sleep and somewhere safe for my kids to play when they visit. I want to die when I use the word visit, this is their home, they just dont sleep here and my heart is brutally broken. I hope the lawyer is right. I hope I can sue my mother with abduction. I hope I can sue CAS with the gross incompetent charge that they deserve. I hope beyond anything that my children will be reurned to me and I will be free to live my life in peace, without judgement, without criticisim, withou her disappointed looks, without her sarcasm, without her lies, bullshit and manipulation. Free from her, free from her, free from her.
And free from him... the one who has been likened to digging up a dead body every time I speak to him. And its true. It is heartbreaking that I have so much to apologize to my children for. I didnt know that by loving him I was destroying all of us, I just thought that if I loved him enough he would do the right thing and he would take care of us and all would be well. How was I too know that oneday I just wouldnt be able to take what a bunch of bullshit waste my life had become. He lied about everything and took away my dreams. He choked out my hope in more ways then one, ripped my door off and ripped away any semblance of normal I ever knew. What a waste of time. And I did not do my kids the favour i thoguht I was doing by keeping him in their lives, now theres just more to explain. more to say I am so very friggin, pathetically sorry for. Everyday, everytime I see them I kiss their heads and silently beg for forgiveness. Soon I will be able to ask for even more forgiveness, but not yet. Sometimes saying your sorry is by not saying it at all and just fixing the problem. I can almost fix some problems that only money and time can fix. Almost but not quite. Ugg, its still early in the day, I better find something else to do...

Another Day I just Dont Know What To Do

My parents dropped the custody suit they have against me for my children. I am terrified, perhaps more so than when I actually had to go to court. Perhaps in a court of law, perhaps with reasonable people who believed in innocent until proven guilty I may have had half a fighting chance. Now I am up against "them" again, the them I don't want nor care to prove anything too. They had their chance, perhaps I have had mine too. My counsellor says that I will learn to forgive my own parents through my children forgiving me. That brings even more fear, how long will that take? Who will my children be when they find their way home to me? Once time is gone, its gone, and I can not go back in time and turn my children back into babies, can not revisit the sweet toddler years, my little girl going from little girl to mini adult. I cant get any of it back and I would even trade this gadget if I could even if just for a second. What would I change the most? I dont know. I would have said goodbye to their father alot sooner. I would have sat down more. I would have paid attention more, played more, read more stories. It's like a death that supposedly has flung my right into the hands of grief and sorrow. Sometimes I cant breathe and all I want to do is drop to my knees and beg these people, "please, please reurn my babies, i'm dying here, right in front of you, slowly but surely I am melting away with the snow. I'm freezing and friggin pissed right off please give them back. And by the way who made you judge and jury to decide whether or not I am a worthwhile human being? Who said that you could tell me when I was capable of being a parent? Who fuckin said?" and now that the court case is dropped that is exactly what I will have to do. I will have to kiss ass and parts of me will die. Parts of me have already ceased to live here anymore. Some of the things I am glad they're gone, it was slow and painful for some - nothing comes quick or easy for me. I have been destined to struggle through everything, and I mean everything. Ugg, today is one of those days, I cant sit still, cant think, cant focus got to go walk around. I miss my children incredibly, I miss being a mom, I miss the noise and the distractions and being responsible and their little hugs and kissing their booboos and making supper and seeing them off to school, i miss arguing with my oldest, brushing my daughters hair, my little ones voice and sweet, soft as silk hands. I miss loving people and sharing my life, I miss reading stories and putting them to bed. I miss bath time and lunch and oh, my God sometimes i cant breathe and dont know how I am going to make it but maybe my daughter can come over later and I'll feel normal for a few minutes, and just seeing her will be enough to pull me through another day. And I wonder how long this can go on, how long can one endure so much pain and still survive? still live a life? and never feel human again? I am not a robot designed with buttons or manuals, noone knows how to do "this" because "this" shouldnt be real, it shouldnt be happening. I am not a bad person because i was in pain, I am not a bad mother.

Pinhead #2

I am the oldest pinhead although not the brightest by far. Just because you are older doesnt mean you are smarter or any more deserving of respect. It just means that you so happened to be born first. I have become extremely attached to my little tiny computer, it has saved my hide in more ways than one on more than a few occassions. Its funny the things you become attached to. Something about these little keys makes me feel alive. and like my fellow pinhead I have quite the story to tell. I am a mother of three although to look at me you would never know it. They dont live with me right now which is a pain I can just barely scratch the surface of today. The wound is too fresh, too new, too raw, too real. It would be impossible to explain the pain of loosing your children, especially to your own twisted version of a mother. I feel as if I am a car crash survivor, or survived the sinking of the titanic or something. I am alone in the world with only my meager possessions for company. Hence why I have grown so attached to my tiny keyboard. It is my only link to the outside world, my only way of staying connected with friends and those friends I call family. And my sweet sister. How else could I tell her how much she means to me without the beauty of this little gadget. When you dont have anything, you sure learn fairly quickly whats really important to you and to your survival. What can you just not possibly live without? What could never be replaced no matter how much money you came up with?