So.. the pattern of a pinhead becomes apparent

Hello there fine peoples of the fukked up retardo-sucky-verse.....

I sort of warned you...

Are those blurry lines of what a "Pinhead" actually is... starting to become clearer?

yes?   no ?  

hmm ..... I was kind of hoping you'd have some insights.

No worries.... There's plenty of crazy to go around.........

By the time we've traveled this journey together... I'm confident that you'll not only fully comprehend what a "Pinhead" is..... I'm going to be so bold as to bet I wind up converting you.

*BING*  

(aka lightbulb moment)  

(enter humorous  montage of evil plan to rule the world by converting one Pinhead at a time... soundtrack from pinky and the brain)

ok seriously though, I would like to record my thoughts and what I "see" in my head... and also be able to have the ability to edit. (for obvious reasons too much info is too much) but it would be pretty awesome to archive everything that's there and be able to play it like a movie and be able to have that clear line from beginning.. to middle. to end.... anyways... I sort of went off on a wackadoo tangent .

*grins*

In true pinhead form too I just started talking to you as if I haven't just been ... you know... like not.... well here... in blogland with you.

So..... rewind

see? a cool my little brain recording device thingymagig would come in handy...   : p

alright so.... I'm back from another trip to the hospital. The same thing thats been going on since Christmas. Special added bonus or new feature to the pinhead doll ... fainting.

I'm told that they think I have what's called Cyclical Vomitting Syndrome.

A syndrome in which the patient undergoes regular cycles of violent vomitting, lasts several days and every couple of weeks.

Here's the thing...

I was kept over night, went though a battery of tests, and also a psychological evaluation. My spouse pulled the doctor aside and told him that he thought that the vomitting sickness is also related to untreated past sexual abuse.

I was pretty out of it in the hospital. This thing, whatever it is, makes me so delirious, I can barely talk, I can't really make out what anyone's saying it sounds garbled but at the same time sounds like they are screaming at me. I don't know if you can get a sense of what I mean.

It's the most terrifying position to be in, is all I have to say.

Anyways, during the psychological evaluation I wasn't as honest as I should have been, because I thought they were trying to admit me against my will. So I threw myself into my automatic survivor mode and used my shields and masks, because I didn't want to be told I was crazy.

I don't think I am crazy crazy .... I'm just one seriously messed up woman. Through no fault of my own, but only I can try to repair some of the damage.

Digressing... I'm trying to get to the point here because I've made a really important decision.

I was allowed to leave and return to the hospital and undergo an endoscopy, and then was released by around 5pm or so.
I was told that if the symptoms worsened to come back......

So ...we went home. I kept taking gravol and drinking sportsdrinks for electrolytes... I was able to go to sleep by around 2 am  and then at 11am ...

I woke up.... drenched in sweat... in a full on panic attack ..... and.... the puking ..... started again.

You have to understand the severity of this.. it's disgusting I warn you.. so ....

but when I puke from this thing.... I puke so hard that I piss and shit myself ... awesome eh?

yeah... how do you like me now?

I mean how humiliating ...

oh... and yeah... excuse me... out of curiousity.... how the hell I am supposed to live a life where once a month I look forward to at least a week of puking, pissing, and shitting myself?  Work? yeah... you try it.

I am not a whiner... I have worked hard all my life...but I simply CAN NOT take anymore.

We called 911 again... and got taken to the hospital again... but THIS time.. they refused to allow my spouse in the ambulance..... and then once there.... it was somehow decided that I should be put in a wheel chair and left to wait in the waiting room.

I had no glasses so I couldn't see.. I needed to puke... and was having diaherrea .... I made my way to the bathrooms... someone helped me I think ...... I dont even know .. because half the time I didn't know where I was.. While I was in the batheroom puking.. someone took the wheelchair I had right outside the bathroom door... so I was trying to find a chair ... when.. I passed the fukk out!!!!!!

Thank God for nice people in Hospitals... I don't know who it was.. but someone I think the same person who helped me find the bathroom got a nurse... I guess they got me back into a chair and stuck me by a window somewhere... When my husband finally found me he was furious... I passed out again while he was there....  and there were a few more random clues .... at one point I was just starting to doze, but then I jolted up and grabbed Linus by both of his elbows and he told me I looked at him with the widest most terrified eyes he had ever seen and then I went white as a sheet and started saying.. I have to run, I have to get out of here .. I have to get out of here now. I was sure I was going to die. I wasn't even aware that it was the hospital we were in... I felt ... like I was somewhere else.

Anyways... the person who had helped me until my husband came told my husband that he and his friends had been there for 26 hrs......

We left.. I couldn't take it.. I needed to lie down ... I had ativan at home .... with the things that were going on psychologically... we thought it was best to get me home and calmed down. I started taking ativans... and kept on the gravol.... and I would sit the bottom of the shower ( I have no bath tub) with the hot water pouring down on me until no hot water left. ( ONLY time I was able to be calm and stay relaxed) ....

so yeah there's that too.... This need I have to be hot water.  it is an obsessive need... it has to be witnessed to be believed.

then there is the fact that I can feel my intestines churning all the time.. and I am not talking about gurgling farts ok.... this is pain like I've never felt... when adding the vomitting on top... my stomach muscles are on some weird auto pilot .....and the same with my intestines.. with nothing to come out of either end... and I mean nothing.. I am going to the bathroom every 45 minutes thinking that mount vesuvious is going to come thundering out of my ass, but no.... nothing... just the parystolsis  ( parystolsis is what your thoat does when you swallow and what your intestines do to ... move.. things along..... reverse parystolsis = puking)

I am in so much pain ... in 6 days I have eaten 1 bowl of cereal, 1 bowl of soup and a couple of pieces of fish. I have nothing to shit nothing to puke...

yet... my stomach is still contracting like it wants to .... and my intestines feel like I have white hot pieces coal tumbling around them.


So...... Long story .... well not short but anyways.....

I'm going to talk to my doctor about admitting me as an in patient into psychiatric care.

Linus and I talked it over... and I really think that is where I need to be if I am ever going to find my way out.

I am trapped in my past, not because I have chosen to be... but because I haven't been able to define what is binding me... I can't pick the lock and bust out  if I  can't see the lock...  does that makes sense?

anyways.... It seems to be more and more plausible that whatever has me as ill as I am is not physical... they can find no physical reason for it.

So therefore I have to conclude that it is directly related to 11 years of repressed memories that are trying to claw their way to the surface... and I am fighting it... cause I am too terrified.

The only way I can confront it is if I feel I am in a safe environment where professionals can help me deal with what's happening physically.

Anyways... I am as determined as ever to record all this.....

I'm going to write to you as much as I can.

I don't know why... I just feel like .... this is what I have to do... I have to write about this journey.

and ...... share it...

no matter how vulnerable it makes me feel.

I think maybe I need to feel like somehow.... if I can be brave enough to write everything as raw and as real as it happens and how ever this "thing" expresses itself..... that perhaps someone else out there who has been through worse.. or similar.. can see that.....they are not alone.

I mean we all KNOW we're not alone... but the loneliest feeling in the world is being surrounded by people and feeling insignifigant and invisible.

I also think that everyone relates to different stories differently too... *grin*

anyways.. now I am talking in circles ... so I've said what I needed to say for now.

I'll try to be better at this blogging thing.

It's so very un-nerving.

Until next time dearies.

Your ever pinheaded nutcase.

Back to the Basics

I dont really know what to write about tonight, just kinda felt like writing and then now its like im at a loss for words.  I want to be able to share all the good stuff, the bad stuff, the ugly truth stuff, but sometimes its still so hard to get it all out.  i can wallow in it, write to my sister about it, but cant really get comfortable enough with the pain to really get over it.  it took me all day just to have a bath and that used to be one of my favourite things to do.  i think i'm basically ready for bed, how sad is that?  i think i might start to get overnight visits with my daughter and that seems so odd to say.  im sick of having visits with my kids.  i want them home and of course it all depends on whether or not the ex will cooperate so that i may go ahead with custody but he only cooperates when he thinks theres something in it for him.