Another Day I just Dont Know What To Do

My parents dropped the custody suit they have against me for my children. I am terrified, perhaps more so than when I actually had to go to court. Perhaps in a court of law, perhaps with reasonable people who believed in innocent until proven guilty I may have had half a fighting chance. Now I am up against "them" again, the them I don't want nor care to prove anything too. They had their chance, perhaps I have had mine too. My counsellor says that I will learn to forgive my own parents through my children forgiving me. That brings even more fear, how long will that take? Who will my children be when they find their way home to me? Once time is gone, its gone, and I can not go back in time and turn my children back into babies, can not revisit the sweet toddler years, my little girl going from little girl to mini adult. I cant get any of it back and I would even trade this gadget if I could even if just for a second. What would I change the most? I dont know. I would have said goodbye to their father alot sooner. I would have sat down more. I would have paid attention more, played more, read more stories. It's like a death that supposedly has flung my right into the hands of grief and sorrow. Sometimes I cant breathe and all I want to do is drop to my knees and beg these people, "please, please reurn my babies, i'm dying here, right in front of you, slowly but surely I am melting away with the snow. I'm freezing and friggin pissed right off please give them back. And by the way who made you judge and jury to decide whether or not I am a worthwhile human being? Who said that you could tell me when I was capable of being a parent? Who fuckin said?" and now that the court case is dropped that is exactly what I will have to do. I will have to kiss ass and parts of me will die. Parts of me have already ceased to live here anymore. Some of the things I am glad they're gone, it was slow and painful for some - nothing comes quick or easy for me. I have been destined to struggle through everything, and I mean everything. Ugg, today is one of those days, I cant sit still, cant think, cant focus got to go walk around. I miss my children incredibly, I miss being a mom, I miss the noise and the distractions and being responsible and their little hugs and kissing their booboos and making supper and seeing them off to school, i miss arguing with my oldest, brushing my daughters hair, my little ones voice and sweet, soft as silk hands. I miss loving people and sharing my life, I miss reading stories and putting them to bed. I miss bath time and lunch and oh, my God sometimes i cant breathe and dont know how I am going to make it but maybe my daughter can come over later and I'll feel normal for a few minutes, and just seeing her will be enough to pull me through another day. And I wonder how long this can go on, how long can one endure so much pain and still survive? still live a life? and never feel human again? I am not a robot designed with buttons or manuals, noone knows how to do "this" because "this" shouldnt be real, it shouldnt be happening. I am not a bad person because i was in pain, I am not a bad mother.