small minds, small miracles

surely my brain must be too small for my head since i swear i can hear it knocking around like a loose walnut in a broken shell. I want to crack my head wide open sometimes and just let whomever feed off the flesh. how dramatic is that? and now instead of being a balloon, i am a walnut. I am just so unsure of what to do with myself i want to scream. why does everything i want and need take so much friggin time. I just want enough money to buy some decent groceries, maybe take my kids somewhere. I want to go to decorators school and get really good at what i do for once in my life. I want to succeed and brush off this label of looser i was branded with at birth. Isnt it strange to know that your mother never liked you? isnt it strange to know that youd be better off running outside searching for a stranger to hug you then it would be to depend on those youve called family since you could speak to do it. How sad that my arms seems so weak and tiny. I feel so frail and small, so insignificant. I wish that I could stop wishing for good things to happen and that they would just happen already. i wish I wasnt so filled with fear and loathing. I wish I was close to someone again, i need to share my life, i need to share who i am.