The Day After Valentines

I am not sad that it was Valentines Day and that I didnt have anyone to share it with.  I am just sad.  And I dont have anyone to share anything with.  I am anxiously sitting here with my phone beside me for comfort and Seinfeld dvds playing in the background for noise.  I am anxiously waiting for the phone to ring to see if I am going on my first date in about fifteen years or not.  I am desperate for company.  Just desperate all around i think.  I am desperately angry with my ex.  Out of nowhere he is suddenly going for joint custody and i feel like such a fool, i didnt even see it coming.  I should have known, i shouldnt be at all surprised but here i am with my mouth hanging open regardless.  I cant believe the nerve of it really, like why now?  Why anything at anytime I guess.  I guess I am learning just how gullible i am, I still actually believe that there is good in people.  I actually believe that people will do the right thing just because its right.  Someone is going to help me tomorrow and I still dont believe that I will actually get the help until I see it for my very own eyes.  It will come from a very relieble source, yet still, what if he prays about it tonight, what if he sees my evil under belly and decides its not such a great idea to trust me after all.  money truly is the root of all evil sometimes.  But I need it, I have nothing and I can not in good conscience refuse any sort of assistance from anyone right now.  I even had to accept a bus card from my CAS worker who in the same breth tells me i am unfit to nparent my children ande that I should have been prepared for empty nest syndrome when my eldest is just barely twelve.  That is unconceviable to me, how can anyone say anything so god damn fucking stupid and insensitive?  Are you kidding me?  Why should I have been prepared to have no children?  Why should anyone be prepared to have their whole lives taken away from them?  How can i be expected to adjust?  Why would I want to adjust?  I dont want to know what it feels like to be happy without my children.  I want my children.  I want my family returned.  I dont know what to do with the money i will get tomorrow.  I am supposed to pay off my phone bill but it is not enough money, i could pay off parts of it but then i'd still be broke and still wouldnt have a phone.  I could just put a bunch of money on my cell phone, that might work.  and then i could put a little on the bill and keep some for now.  maybe i could buy a new phone?   one that came with a better plan?  that might work.  oh, i could just leave town and fuck off for a little while which is what i really want to do, am so friggin desperate to do.  and then i could book classes, i really want to be good at my job, but how am i going to do this?  i am afraid of the phone most of the time.  I am afraid of most things most of the time lately.  And this new shrink labelled me sane, great, great timing.  Just when I think that i am going to loose it the most they want to say that i am friggin sane?  and of course, that i am depressed have every reason to be depressed and that i have to just work through it.  i font understand that part.  How long am i supposed to just go through it?  when will i know if i am done going through this or not?  how can anyone else be expected to judge whether or not its over?  Does anyone think that freakin chantal is qualified to figure out whether or not i'm "better"?  What does "better" look like?  I think that I am beginning to hate this woman.  I think that I am starting to have a little hate on for alot of people.  It is not a good feeling.  And I dont know how long it will last or what it will do to me.  I could have already gone out and seen a guy who already has a girlfriend.  I want someone i can call my own and be wiith outright.  its over now between the ex and i for sure.  Theres no going back now if there ever was.  I wonder if this guy will call or not.  I will try to have something to eat and kill more time.  I can see it now.  I'll get fed up and go to bed and that will be when he calls.