Ugg...

"yes, yes it is beautiful outside." I know I should be grateful, I am grateful, but I am pissed as well. Why me? Why does this shit always happen to me? What did I do so wrong to be branded such a loser that I cant even be with my own children on a beaustiful saturday afternoon? And I look over at the clock - 12 noon, a little too early to call it a day and go to bed like I did last night on a friday - whoo hooo, look at me whoop it up and go to bed at 7:30p.m. Yeah, look at me go. It's pathetic how starved I am for a little attention, a little companionship, a little conversation. What I wouldnt do for a hand to hold and a shoulder to lean against when the weather is so windy. I feel like a balloon everybody let go of and i'm just floating around aimlessly, higher and higher. Soon i'll just be a tiny dot up in the sky and noone will ever be able to reach the string. Maybe oneday i'll get caught in a tree, maybe some kid will climb up and pull me down. Walk around with me. Ugg, so now i'm a balloon, great. I think I just want to be anything but me. Anything but a lonely little woman sitting here with her tiny 10 inch laptop, huddled at her kitchen table full of beads instead of kids colouring books.
My counsellor tells me to act as if - "as if" I had a life. On one hand I look not too bad, I am a jeweller, I make beautiful necklaces that nobodys bought yet but I may have a buyer. I am keeping my fingers crossed, either way, I like making them. And whatever doesnt sell I am going to donate to the Spring Tea at my co-ops community centre. Yes, on one hand I look not too shabby, too bad I didnt have friends, too bad I didnt have family. My bestest friend lives a plane or bus ride away and my one and only bestest sister is a plane or bus ride away. I have family the lives in the city here with me but you would never know it, and I have never known anything so freakin sad. I'm not sure what I did to piss everybody off so bad. I am just a huge disappointment to all that claim they knew me. I am told that I have to create my own family. Which means I have to move. But I cant go anywhere without my children, and thats why I am so stuck. So frozen with fear that this is it for me and I am only 37 years old. I am grateful for my home but it has turned into nothing more than prison walls for me. I am gratefujl that I have a warm place to sleep and somewhere safe for my kids to play when they visit. I want to die when I use the word visit, this is their home, they just dont sleep here and my heart is brutally broken. I hope the lawyer is right. I hope I can sue my mother with abduction. I hope I can sue CAS with the gross incompetent charge that they deserve. I hope beyond anything that my children will be reurned to me and I will be free to live my life in peace, without judgement, without criticisim, withou her disappointed looks, without her sarcasm, without her lies, bullshit and manipulation. Free from her, free from her, free from her.
And free from him... the one who has been likened to digging up a dead body every time I speak to him. And its true. It is heartbreaking that I have so much to apologize to my children for. I didnt know that by loving him I was destroying all of us, I just thought that if I loved him enough he would do the right thing and he would take care of us and all would be well. How was I too know that oneday I just wouldnt be able to take what a bunch of bullshit waste my life had become. He lied about everything and took away my dreams. He choked out my hope in more ways then one, ripped my door off and ripped away any semblance of normal I ever knew. What a waste of time. And I did not do my kids the favour i thoguht I was doing by keeping him in their lives, now theres just more to explain. more to say I am so very friggin, pathetically sorry for. Everyday, everytime I see them I kiss their heads and silently beg for forgiveness. Soon I will be able to ask for even more forgiveness, but not yet. Sometimes saying your sorry is by not saying it at all and just fixing the problem. I can almost fix some problems that only money and time can fix. Almost but not quite. Ugg, its still early in the day, I better find something else to do...